In Praise of Vulnerability

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I came across this quote today and I wanted to share it. We have for so long been told sharing our vulnerability with others is a sign of weakness, but many of us would prefer to do just about anything than share something really vulnerable. One of my firefighter clients once told me he'd literally rather go into a burning building than tell his partner how scared he feels inside when they fight!

Being vulnerable is not only a sign of being brave and authentic, but it's also a necessary part of creating real intimacy and security. Vulnerability fuels connection. Sharing something real and tender is a big part of how we build and sustain close bonds. As those of you in EFT therapy know, we get out of the negative cycle by sharing our vulnerable feelings of loneliness, inadequacy and fear vs. our protective, invulnerable anger.

This principle works in any close relationship. If I share something vulnerable with you, and you respond with care and understanding, I learn that you can be safe for me, which makes me more likely to open up to you in the future. I also learn that my sharing this part of me with you doesn't make you reject me, which helps change how I view this tender part of me. "You know the real me and you still seem to like me? Neat." Also, my sharing invites you to share something personal about yourself with me. This creates an atmosphere of safety, acceptance, and closeness between us, a positive cycle where the more you share, the more I share, and we keep feeling safer and closer.

The Negative Cycle

Sharon Mead, an EFT therapist in the South Bay just posted this video about the negative cycle for her clients—I love it! Hope you find it helpful.

Widening the Scope of Love

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Happy MLK day! In the spirit of honoring this American hero, I'd like to encourage you all today to do two things:

One, to take a moment to reflect and be grateful for the many privileges and protections we enjoy today thanks to the moral clarity, eloquence, and courage of our human rights heroes. We talk a lot in therapy about practicing gratitude—research tells us it's one of the best ways to improve our felt sense of well-being and reduce depression and anxiety—and as Americans, we have much to be grateful for. The right to free speech, freedom of religion, representative government, ending slavery and segregation, extending voting rights to women, same-sex marriage, etc. These freedoms are a precious inheritance, a gift that, as with Dr. King, often came at the cost of human lives. Let's take a moment to thank the many men and women who labored and sacrificed for us to enjoy these freedoms today.

Two, take a moment to reflect on how we can continue Dr. King's work and leave an even more just and kind world behind for our children and grandchildren. In EFT, we talk so much about attachment and security. And as our love and safety grows within our couple bond, we naturally find ourselves wanting to widen the scope of our love—thinking of ways to repair with family members, grow closer with friends, and nurture our world as a whole. As we continue on our journey toward equality and civil rights in this beautiful, diverse, raucous nation of ours, please think today about what we can do for our fellow citizens so that, in this American family, we all feel safe, accepted, and know we are not alone. In our country, as in our relationships, let's work toward "a more perfect union." With all our many differences, let's strive to hold each other tight.

And with all that said, I'd like to share with you this beautiful video on this couple's journey together. Enjoy!